A Womb’s Whisper Heard Over the Splashing of an Evening Shower
Do we always know how to heal simply by asking and standing still long enough to hear the answer?
My family is asleep. The house is quiet. All I want to do now is take a long warm relaxing shower and let go of this persistent tension I’ve been carrying for weeks in my abdomen and lower back.
But my mind is preoccupied with a thought, wondering if I was born with a curse in me, that I am always to be poor.
I have lived my whole life with a belief, sitting deeply within every cell of my body, that there is never enough . . . not enough money, time, sleep, food, self-care, connection, support, stillness, love…
It’s not true!
What is true is that I have been going about the “business” of promoting menstrual health, of creating community, a family, my life, all backwards the past 3 years. I’ve been so tightly tied-up by a deep fear of “not enough” which has made me feel the need to do, do, do in order to create and multiply a sense of abundance.
But all I’ve created really, is an abundance of stress and pain and sadness, which the past few weeks has been manifesting in the center of my womb and radiating out from there like a burning sun. My holding on to fear is blocking my creative center and sending it into inflammation rather than the natural cool, moving, creative river that it is meant to be. I’m always amazed by how my body responds so perfectly to my imperfect life. I went to seek support and care a few days ago at my osteopath and she told me that my womb had twisted slightly to the right which had created so little space for my ovaries that they had gotten pinched! Can it be more clear?
I am starting up a new weekly class in Mile-End and I’ve been nervous because of the concern that I may lose money by offering it. This fear is totally taking all the joy out of starting up a new class, and the true purpose of why I’m doing all this is lost! I have been letting the carriage pull the horse, rather then the other way around, and the poor horse it totally confused and exhausted.
I lost my direction.
So here I am under the shower feeling heavy like a whale on land, sore all over, and ever so tired, asking myself (and the universe) what on earth is weighing me down like this?
And then I heard it . . . this little voice saying…
“Help people and you will help yourself.”
Then there’s silence and a small feeling of a softening wanting to happen somewhere deep inside me.
“Go back to the source, to the seed, your deep desire to connect, to dig deep, to see long and listen long, to serve and support. Go and be fully present with the women who are ready to step out of their pain and the chains of history and be in their full potential, and join them in the process.”
Now a full wave of calmness is flowing over me, and I feel light for the first time in months. Ahhhhhh yes!
This is it. I have been in a constant tension worrying about class numbers for months. But now it’s so clear to me that even if only 3-4 women come tomorrow, I’ll still be all that I can be. I’ll share all of me like I always do, and that is all that matters. As this thought is moving through me, I begin to feel free to receive and heal.
Then I heard… “Start a support group and be supported by supporting. Feel connected by connecting.”
Ha! Of course, this has been a dream of mine for over a year, but it keeps falling to the bottom of the “to do list”. This is the whole reason behind why I started all this up in the first place! Yet it got lost somewhere between the first webinar on “How to run a Business” and #35!
A knowing starts growing within me. I’ll be alive and light and whole when I let myself out of the prison of producing for a profit, a prison which I was born into from generations of hard working entrepreneurs who only knew the path of “only hard work will get you somewhere.”
My jail time is served!
What we focus on will expand, right?! We know that, or do we? Why is it so hard to trust?
The knowing that the only way I will feel that I have enough is by sharing freely and willingly, without having fear of not having enough, is spreading through my body like a warm summer breeze. Serving is where real abundance and prosperity lives.
Hey, I know this in my head. God knows I have read about this enough times, and have even had glimpses of it in my life before, but tonight under the shower, I feel it.
It feels as tangible as the feeling a child has when it puts its head on its mother’s chest and feels her warmth and her arms cupping around its little body. I feel that deep inner feeling of letting go, which is needed for love and a sense of security to flow in.
I am ready to let abundance in, and with it a trust that there IS ENOUGH. How can I not? I have the most freakin’ amazing cute family, and dog, and hood, and life and we do earn the money we need every goddamn day. I am so blessed and supported!
Hallo Gratitude, hallo Freedom 🙂
“No matter how much or how little money you have flowing through your life, when you direct that flow with soulful purpose, you feel wealthy vibrant and alive.” – Lynne Twist
Let’s all allow ourselves to let our inner blood river of life, creativity, joy and purpose flow freely. Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow…
If you want to find out more about deepening your ability to listen to your body and learn from her, then contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Together we will learn to keep trusting.
Love from my womb to yours. xo